Was I That Happy?

Was I that happy
was I that free
or was I just
dreaming
of what life would be
so many answers
were waiting for me
long ago…

 That musing from a folk lyric I never quite finished,
sort of sums up a life-view I held for too long:

Buoyant with expectancy, my joys were too often
linked to the shining promise of tomorrow.

But as I aged and started to feel my time on earth
ebbing, the Future Game no longer did the trick.
And I started to devolve into a dull depression
not even my old friend cannabis could assuage.

 Therapy offered some insights; medication,
a degree of calm; 90 proof bourbon, a
“refuge from the storm.”

 And then something wondrous happened:

 I discovered the almighty Here-and- Now.

 I don’t know exactly how I got here—maybe it
was my wife’s love of nature finally rubbing off.
(along with the love of my wife.)

Maybe it was hitting a brick wall and realizing
that if I didn’t climb over it, I’d be forfeiting
the precious time I have remaining.

Maybe it was my 17-month-old granddaughter
Ivy, and the exquisite joy in her eyes.

Of course, I still wander into melancholy from
time to time, particularly at 4 a.m.

But overall I’m back. And I’m thrilled to be here.

I’m not a religious man, but I have to say,
I feel blessed.